I'm doing lots of reflecting today. Our pastor has a way of bringing that out in me, but typically I'm running so much and so fast that I don't allow time for it to sink through. I just can't for the life of me figure out how to be a better person - a better mother, a better wife, a better Christian, a better friend, a better daughter a better sister.....well you get the picture. I feel lately that I'm running myself so ragged and spreading myself so thin that I don't have time to breathe. I feel like I'm suffocating sometimes.
I've always felt that even though for the most part my intentions and heart are right, the words that come out of my mouth don't convey what I'm feeling. I want to do more for people - for family, friends and other people that are in need. I think God places people here for a reason. Is my "purpose" photography? Sometimes I get so tired and stressed with running this business (mostly when I feel that my husband and son are getting pushed aside because of it). But when the dust settles and everything is ordered and I see the smiles on people's faces or the happy tears (customers and family) and I see the portraits hanging on the walls of people's homes, I think, yes I do love this. I love the fact that this moment in time will forever be preserved on their walls and in their scrapbooks.
It's always been important to me to make others happy and to make them feel special and good about what they're doing in life. On the flip side though, I think by being nice all of the time you can be liked, but not always respected. I hate (and I do mean that) to make anyone unhappy or to even disagree with what they're saying honestly, but I also believe that you have to be "real", you have to be who you are. Not in an ugly sort of way, but just in the face of being who you are and believeing what you believe. You have to be the same person at church, that you are in the grocery store, that you are at work, that you are in the quietness of your own home. I know that we all change a little when we're around other people and in different situations but I mean the true core of who we are. I struggle with this every day. I struggle with even the faintest thought that someone is upset with me (it's obsessive really) and it just nags at me until (typically) I'll talk to that person and realize there wasn't even a problem to begin with. I wish that was something that I could change about myself.
I haven't posted in a while because business has been so crazy and I'm really struggling with how to get this three year old under control. Jeff just built a new patio in front of the house and since I'm taking July and August off, I'm really looking forward to a few months to spend with Jeff and Dawson. I want to play with Dawson during the day and I want to have more alone time with Jeff. I want to have friends and family over more. I want to work on my own pictures that I've not done anything with since D,s first birthday. I want to camp. I want to go to sleep early and wake up early. I want to have time to sit and listen to nothing. I want to have time to sit and listen to Dawson's ever flowing jabber =). I want to have time to get my weight under control. I want to breathe. I just want to breathe.
